Greetings from Kangaroo Island, South Australia. This post is about renting a car this morning in Penneshaw, shortly after we got off the 40-minute ferry from Cape Jervis.
Budget is the only rental-car company with an office in Penneshaw. They have a small two-desk store front on the main street of this tiny, dusty town.
When we walked into the office, we expected a quick and straightforward commercial interaction, like the hundreds of other times we have rented cars. What we got, however, was a kind-hearted, but unintentionally hilarious, 30-minute monologue on all the ways that we could get killed on Kangaroo Island.
The woman at Budget, Vickie, is in her mid-60s, with flaming orange hair, a purple velour blouse, and thick glasses. Based on how kind she was to the kids (and on the 30-minute lesson she gave us), my guess is that she is a retired school teacher. If she is, she was definitely also the faculty advisor to the Drama Club.
As we walked in, Vickie handed Zola and Tallulah each a thick tourism brochure and a pen. She encouraged them to “draw pictures and write notes in the blank spaces on all of the pages.” She said, “Most of the history we know is from what people wrote in the margins of books.” Huh? She was probably not a history teacher.
After she got my credit card and license, she instructed India and me to sit at her desk, “to go through the verbal briefing.” This should have been our first warning, but, obediently, India and I sat down.
Before showing us the rental contract, Vickie went through an elaborate description of what was and was not covered by the various rental insurances. Basically, it seems, nothing is covered on Kangaroo Island.
Eventually, she slid the contract across the desk, and and pointed with her pen to a printed sticker at the top.
She said, “Let me draw your attention to these two provisions which are unique to Kangaroo Island rentals. First, regardless of the cover you take, you have no insurance after dark. From sunrise to sunset you are covered, but unless you have $30,000 to buy your rental car after you hit a kangaroo, don’t drive anywhere at night. Second, you are not allowed to drive the vehicle onto any beaches or unmade roads. This will invalidate your insurance and your rental agreement.”
At this point, I should have just signed the contract, grabbed the kids, and driven off. But, I had to ask, “Excuse me, Vickie. What is an ‘unmade road’?”
She grabbed another of the thick tourism brochures, and opened it to a fold-out map. We got a full five minutes on the gradation of Kangaroo Island roads, from the paved to the gravel to the dirt to the ‘unmade.’ Unmade roads are tracks. With a highlighter, she marked the good roads, the dead ends, and the high-animal-density areas.
While discussing the gravel roads, Vickie reached dramatically across her desk for a jar full of brown pebbles. She shook the jar several times, and explained that “most of the roads are made from this very unstable material. Regardless of what the signs say, it is not safe to go more than 70 kilometers an hour. You will roll the vehicle over. It happens to tourists all of the time.”
Sotto voce she imitated an American tourist’s accent, “But I’m allowed to drive 110. The signs say so.” In her own Glenda-the Good-Witch voice she said. “Don’t do it. Regardless of the signs.”
She also said, “You will see a lot of show offs driving their cars on the beaches. Don’t be tempted. You will get stuck, and invalidate your rental agreement.”
After the road quality and beach driving jeremiads were exhausted, and she had outlined several good routes in purple highlighter, Vickie said, “Actually, the roads are nowhere near as dangerous as the animals that hop out onto them.” She told us about the huge number of animals that get hit, and how she had killed two kangaroos in the last two years. Apparently kangaroos crack the windscreen and can hurt the driver, but wallabies “just roll underneath and do a lot of damage to the undercarriage.”
Vickie told us that she personally never drives faster than 70 kilometers an hour, even on the tar roads. She illustrated all of this with many more purple highlights (the location of her farm, the location of the run-over kangaroos, more high-animal-density zones) on our map.
She summed up by saying we should not go over 70 kilometers an hour anywhere on the island, and wrote “70 kph MAX!!!” in purple highlighter on our map.
Then she said, “As long as I have the map out, let me show you where the rip currents will drown you if you are not careful.” She quickly x’ed out about 80% of the beaches on Kangaroo Island, remarking, “two tourists were just killed there,” and “that one is extremely dangerous,” as she made her way around the coast line.
Immediately after concluding on rip currents, she said, “I should show you where the great white sharks are as well.” This eliminated the rest of the beaches, except for two tidal pools, slightly in-land from the actual ocean. “These are the only truly safe places to swim. No dangerous currents, and probably, probably no sharks.”
By this point, Zola the Nervous, had abandoned his marginalia to come over and listen to the warnings. Vickie noticed his Crocs, and said, “Of course you must wear closed-toe shoes at all times on the island. There are snakes everywhere, and all but one of them is highly venomous. Those shoes won’t do at all.”
She then addressed Zola and Tallulah directly, “You must hold Mommy and Daddy’s hand at all times, because otherwise snakes will bite you. They defend, they don’t attack, but you must not walk anywhere by yourselves. And you must wear closed-toe shoes.” This is the kind of thing that normally freaks Zola out, but I think he realized that Vickie was perhaps overstating for dramatic effect.
Shame on us, but by this time India and I were trying hard not to catch each others’ eyes and start to laugh. As a last touch, Vickie took the purple highlighter and wrote the ambulance-service phone number on our map, and marked the location of the hospital in Kingscote. Then she said, “But you won’t need a hospital, because you are going to be very, very careful, and have a wonderful time.”
I said, “Between the bad roads, the suicidal wildlife, the rip tides, the great white sharks, and the dangerous snakes, maybe we should have gone on vacation in Baghdad instead of Kangaroo Island.”
Vickie thought for a moment, and said, “Oh, I don’t think it is quite that bad.”
We eventually thanked Vickie, and got ready to leave. She really did mean well. We all got into the car, and I drove away. Very, very slowly.
Thus far, aside from unbelievable numbers of dead kangaroos and wallabies on the roads, no additional evidence of great danger on Kangaroo Island. We will be careful.
PostScript - After writing all of this, I got nervous, and decided to check the facts. In the last five years, there has been only one (non-fatal) shark attack on Kangaroo Island. A surfer was bitten in 2006. There have only been two “swept out to sea” drownings, in one incident in 2005. As far as I can tell, there have never been any snake-bite deaths recorded on Kangaroo Island. Last year there were only two deaths from snake bite in all of Australia. Couldn’t find data on car accidents. Needless to say, we will be careful, particularly with Zola and Tallulah.
