Change In Plans

RUNNING TALLULAH

Greetings from Cape Town, early in the morning of the longest day of the year.  Rereading the post about Zola’s birthday, written early yesterday morning, I realized that it is barely coherent.  One reason for the incoherence was that a large bird somehow flew into the house, and spent 45 minutes bashing itself repeatedly against the skylights above my head.  Eventually I was able to shoo him out.  The more abiding reason for the choppy writing is that I am completely distracted, thinking about moving back to South Africa when we finish our trip.

India and I were very happy living here from 1991 to 1993, and again from 1996 to 2000.  In early 2000, for reasons that I can’t really articulate, I became desperately eager to leave Cape Town and move back to New York.  The basic motivation was some vague but deep professional/personal desire to be closer to the vitality of “the center” and to not be languishing on “the periphery.”  There was no real push factor, except some sense I felt that it was “now or never”.  In moving us back to the U.S. in late 2000, I subjected India to a fair amount of professional and personal disruption and anguish.

At any time in the last eight years, India would have returned to South Africa on a single day’s notice.  She loves her family and her U.S. friends, but this is home to her.  During each year’s vacation here, the topic of moving back comes up for more or less serious discussion.  But each year, there was some determinatively strong factor pulling us back to the U.S. - runup to partner election, trying to have a baby, having a new baby, just moved to New Jersey, just moved to a new job, planning to move to San Diego - and at the end of some number of glorious weeks in Cape Town, we packed our bags and flew home.

This year is different.  The appeal of Cape Town is very strong, particularly after traveling for most of the previous six months.  Even acknowledging that we are living a vacation, not a reality, we have all felt remarkably happy, relaxed, and comfortable.  In the midst of this place infatuation, even the practical challenges of living here (e.g., earning money, finding a house, putting kids in schools, getting immigration documents, ensuring safety) seem easily surmountable.

The draw back to the U.S. is also weaker than it has been in previous years.  I have some professional opportunities in the U.S. under discussion, but no definite job to return to.  By the way, the U.S. economy seems a little rocky at present.  We are legally resident in Tennessee, but haven’t bought a house, or committed to a school.  Our friends and our families are important to us, but a few months ago we had been committed to moving to San Diego.  Practically speaking, South Africa isn’t that much further away: we would get back to our families and to our Catskills cabin just as frequently.  

So what is holding us back?  Again, assuming that the practical challenges can be overcome, the main issue is me.  At the core of it, I wonder if am I ready to sacrifice my abstract desire to be close to the center in order for my family to live what would likely be a happier life?  

It is a big decision, and is obviously more complicated than I am making it sound.  That said, the idea has infected my brain like a virus.  I can’t sleep, it is hard to concentrate on reading, and (obviously) I can’t write coherently.  I need to find a way to put the topic on the mental back burner for the next two weeks, and to re-evaluate with some distance and perspective.  Maybe then it will seem like a ridiculous idea.  Maybe not.